Obh Mubh Gbuudness.. I cabn't feebl mby lipthth!!

Hi, Everybody,

I’m just back from the dentist. As you can see from the photo the local anesthetic is making half my face droop. What a hilarious trip. I like my doctor and his staff quite a bit now. I’d gone in for an exam several months ago just to see which way was up, since I hadn’t been to the dentist in nearly a decade. The doctor told me I had two little places in need of filling and one spot they were gonna keep a close watch on. So, long story short I had all that done today. I was told that there’d be like an hour wait between the cleaning and the fillings, so I brought my laptop with me to continue writing the new book.

Didn’t get much done with that, I’m afraid, but that’s okay. So, a friendly hygienist named Cindy led me back to the slab where we both shared our interest in running charity races and our deep disdain for hot weather. So she checks my gums, makes a few “hmm.” noises. I found those rather telling. But all told, my mouth wasn’t that badly disgusting. The past near-decade of dentistry-free tooth management had done me rather well.

Right now I’m trying to slap my face and get some feeling back in my cheek. I’m trying to eat a bagel and I don’t know how much pressure to put on my food. According to National Geographic’s Dr. Brady Barr, a human bite measures at 120 psi (pounds per square inch). I’d tear my cheek to bits if I bit through it right now! Thank goodness for pain, keeping us from chewing ourselves to shreds on any given day. Anyway..

Apparently, behind one’s bottom front teeth, the plaque and tartar tend to build up in greater quantities than anywhere else in your mouth. The Cindy commenced scraping, picking, pulling and . I thought for a sec we’d discover that my bottom teeth were nothing more than stalagmites of pure tartar, and would eventually be scraped and scratched away to nothing. So now I’ve got just acres of space in between my front bottom teeth. I will never stop fumbling my tongue between them. It’s such an interesting sensation! I should call the Wal-Mart people (may they burn forever in a thousand-foot-deep pit of terror) and have ‘em open up a new superstore behind my bottom incisors. Then vote them out with an unexpected local public uprising.

So I had to have a couple of teeth capped today. One of my aforementioned bottom incisors had worn down from a lifetime of nail biting, and one of my molars had just not been professionally seen to in a decade or so. Stuff like fillings tend to happen when you don’t visit the dentist y’all. At any rate, the worst is over. And as an added bonus, the new cap on my bottom tooth changes my bite just enough that I can’t grip my fingernails like I used to, so we may be witnessing the end of an era. One can only hope.

Anyway, back to work.